Shades of Gray

Giving Birth in Modern America

2011-10-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, Ben and I are expecting our first baby. I have always known that I wanted to have a homebirth, but it took some time for me to convince Ben that this was not only safe but the best option for us and our baby. Being pregnant, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the birth experience and how I want it to look for us.

In America, the process of birth has become a thing to fear. Women enter their pregnancies thinking that childbirth will be the most painful thing in the world and the best thing to do is avoid the pain by undergoing intervention; unfortunately, it is often the intervention that intensifies the pain of childbirth and causes the excessive measures that we see in America more than any other developed nation. In America, 1 in 3 women has a cesarean. This is much higher than the rate in other developed nations where most women see a midwife for their birth unless there are complications. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that there are OB's to assist when a birth does become complicated or when there is danger to the mother or baby.

For me, this birth is a rite of passage. An opportunity for me to join the ranks of women who have labored for hours or days and become stronger better women because they put in the work and persevered through the difficulty to finally become mothers. I know that when I hold this beautiful baby in my arms it will because I did everything that I could to love and cherish this baby into being. If something goes wrong and if it is deemed necessary, I will go to the hospital and allow doctors to do what they do best. I believe in my body. I believe that as a woman, my body was created to do this job and that this job is a process designed to help me become a better mother. I have made the choice to take control of my birth experience and to trust in my body and in my faith.

2011-06-05T07:39:00.001-07:00

Tired of renovating... Whose idea was this anyway... Oh yeah, mine.

Quick Update

2011-04-30T10:49:00.001-07:00

I have to say that life has been a little crazy, but never to crazy to give just a little Knighten update.

First of all, we are rounding out the end of a crazy and interesting school year. Ben has only 3 more weeks and I have only 4 more weeks. We are looking forward to starting the summer and having a great year under our belts.

We have also begun a little home renovation project. When we first begin, it always seems daunting, but I know that we will really enjoy the changes once we are finished. This summer we will be putting wood floors on the main level of our townhome and we will be completely remodeling the 1/2 bath. I always think these projects will be easier than they are, but Ben keeps me realistic and tells me when I am being pig headed.

Ben's music has really taken off and we are excited about the excellent review that he recently received. The dream is that Ben will hit it big, but if not it is fun to hang out at new places and Ben really loves to share his music.

For the summer, we don't have any major plans (at least not like last summer), but we will be traveling to Arkansas to visit Ben's grandparents and we are hoping to revisit some of our honeymoon spots on a trip out to DC and perhaps Virginia.

Ben and I have felt truly blessed this past year and while things were difficult through this past year, we have persevered and our marriage is stronger than ever. Hopefully we will get to see many of you soon and hear about your lives.

2011-03-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

If the door is locked, we will break in through the windows. If anyone forbids us to approach the table, we will overturn it and serve communion on the floor. If any priest tells us we cannot sing this new song, we will sing it louder, invite others to sing it with us, and raise our voices in unison across all the boundaries of human contrivance- until this joyful chorus is heard in every corner of the world, and the church itself is raised from the dead.

~ Saving Jesus From the Church by Robin R. Meyers

2011-03-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

I believe in being honest about life and not sugar coating the realities of this world, and my reality is that teaching is HARD. When I was watching teachers as a kid or even when I was student teaching, I had no idea of the realities that exist for teachers. The responsibility and weight of each child's education weighs heavily on the hearts of teachers every single day.

Today, I felt like a bad teacher. Sometimes, I can't fix things. I can't make kids chill out and I can't make kids stop melting down. I feel like, as a special education teacher, there is a certain idea that I have a more in-depth knowledge of students and their behavior. Of course I understand kids on a different level, but I still can't always find the magic words to make it all better.

Basically, I felt like a failure today because I could not work the magic and I could not fix all the problems.

Tomorrow will be better.

I will remember why I love teaching.

My kids will remember why they love me.

It will all be good.

And if not, Spring Break is in 2 days.

2011-02-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

Exciting news! Ben's CD has gone to production and will be ready soon.

In other news, Ben and I are enjoying our jobs this year and as things settle down we are reflecting on how far our students have come in such a short time. We are also looking forward to a trip to L.A. to visit friends. Having never been to L.A. I am looking forward to seeing a new place.

Life is certainly busy, but we are enjoying every minute of it.

Solo Gig

2010-11-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

Last night, Ben played his first solo show at Pikes Perk in Colorado Springs. What an amazing show and how honored I was to have so many people from our lives attend and support us. Here are some videos from Ben's performance.

What it Can Be

All I Want

The Open Door

Away

Breaking Free

Love is Unstoppable

Tell Me Without Words

Hope you enjoyed these! Ben has really loved pursuing his musical passions and we are excited to keep you all informed as he continues to expand his talent and grow as an artist.

Update

2010-11-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

Well, needless to say things have been really busy in the Knighten household. When I come home at the end of the day, I feel like it is all I can do to stay awake through dinner.

My first year of teaching has been exceedingly more difficult then I anticipated. The kids are great, but working with military families is really tough and there are a lot of the things the kids are dealing with that impact their educations. Somedays, I feel like there is nothing I can really do to help them succeed, but then there are always breakthroughs that remind me why God placed me in this place with these kids.

Ben's new job has been great, other than the crazy things happening in Harrison school district, he is really happy and enjoys working with this new population of students.

We are excited about the progress that Ben is making with his music, several places have asked him to come and play! He is frantically working on his first CD and we are excited to get that rolling.

In December, we are looking forward to having our good friends Jared and Beth come visit. Really we haven't made too many friends in the Springs and it is nice when we can see the people who have loved us and supported us through all stages of life.

In December, we are also looking forward to a tropical vacation. I know that we just took an amazing vacation, but there won't be too many more years where we can just pick up and go wherever we want! We will be staying for 3 nights in Cancun and we could not be more excited about the time together with few distractions. It will be a much needed break from life and it will give us a chance to spend some much needed, stress free time together.

Well, there is a quick update of our lives. I will try to be better about informing you all and sharing the stories we experience everyday.

2010-09-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

Crazy busy. I'm just sayin'.

Home

2010-07-26T07:42:00.001-07:00

Knaresborough, York and Manchester

2010-07-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

We spent the last 3 nights of our trip in Knaresborough and Glasgow. Knaresborough is the quaint English town where my Aunt and Uncle lived for many years; therefore, Ben and I spent a lot of time in this town and knew that it would be a relaxing last stop. Knaresborough also has one of my favorite restaurants and I have been dreaming of their dessert for months!

Our second day in Knaresborough, we took the train to York and enjoyed a wonderful tea house, some street music, and shopping. We were meant to have dinner with some friends in Knaresborough that night and had to make the early train back. After getting tea, we realized we had to run. We sprinted to the station and watched the train pull away from the platform as we ran up! Bummer, but we made it back to Knaresborough on time for dinner.

Our last night was in Manchester and we definitely enjoyed this visit more than the first. We decided to have our last dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe in Manchester. Very cool! We love music and were able to see some cool relics.

Back to England, and Brougham Hall

2010-07-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

Driving back to England was not nearly as beautiful as the Highlands, but we truly enjoyed seeing more lovely scenery. After driving for a few hours, we stopped to recharge at Brougham Hall.

More Scottish Highlands and Glasgow

2010-07-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

The Highlands were so beautiful and I can't help but post some more pictures. I have rarely seen creation as beautiful as in the Highlands.

After a beautiful drive south, we arrived in Glasgow. Originally we were supposed to stay in Glasgow for 6 nights, but after talking with some Brits we found out that our hostel was in the worst part of Glasgow! So, rather than buying knives to carry with us, we booked 5 nights in Northern Scotland. We are so glad that we didn't spend 1 week in Glasgow! You can only do so much shopping. Never-the-less we spent one night there and enjoyed the time well enough.

On the way back to England, we visited the David Livingston Center and learned all about the famed explorer.

Clan Donald and the Isle of Skye

2010-07-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

We spent the rest of our time in Fort William visiting the Isle of Skye (in the rain) and the castle ruin of Clan Donald. The Isle was beautiful and we only wished that we had more time to explore.

Haggis

The ferry we took to the Isle

At first, we thought this was the Castle ruin and we were not happy...

More pleased when we found this...

The Scottish Highlands and Glenfinnian Monument... and Harry Potter

2010-07-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

Breathtaking is the only way to describe the Scottish Highlands. If ever there was doubt about God, just looking at this phenomenal scenery reassures that He exists and He is good.

Situated in this beautiful valley is the Glenfinnian Monument which commemorates Bonny Prince Charlie (he lost the battle at this location). The Loch behind the Monument is also featured in the Harry Potter films, as well as a bridge close by.

By the way, it was very cold and very rainy in Scotland.

Perth, Branklyn Garden, and Yummy food

2010-07-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

The best part of vacation? Amazing food! We definitely treat ourselves to nice restaurants when we're on vacation and in Perth we found The Bothy. We also visited a lovely garden and enjoyed the scenery of this wonderful town.

Branklyn Garden

The town of Perth

Dinner at the Bothy

You know it's a good restaurant when you're eating underneath a decapitated deer

Falkland Castle and the Hermitage

2010-07-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Our favorite spot was the Scottish Highlands. What amazing creation! The woods are tropically lush yet surprisingly cold. We enjoyed visiting Falkland Castle and the Hermitage while in Perth Scotland. There were so many pictures from these two spots, but I will just share a few.

Alnwick, Harry Potter, and Edinburgh

2010-07-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

Needless to say, Ben and I are big Harry Potter fans; and so, stopping at Alnwick (Anick) was essential because parts of Harry Potter were filmed here. Unfortunately, you cannot take pictures inside of the castles because it damages the furniture and tapestries, but this was the most amazing castle we viewed... imagine marble staircases, and a private chapel.

Treehouse Tea Room at Alnwick

The Castle

Back to Hogwarts

From Alnwick and Harry Potter, we went to Edinburgh (an essential stop) and visited our favorite pub, as well as a tour of the decommissioned Royal Yacht Britannia.

Durham and South Shields

2010-07-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

After spending 3 days traveling, we were thankful to stay somewhere for more than 1 night. We planned to drive through Durham and then head to South Shields, a small coastal town south of New Castle.

Durham was an amazing town with an unbelievable Cathedral. Durham Cathedral has been holding services for over 1,000 years. I am always stunned to walk and pray where people have been walking and praying for millennia.

After spending a few hours in Durham, we headed for South Shields. We weren't expecting much from our cheap B&B or from the town, but we were pleasantly surprised! We were able to walk from our quaint B&B to the coast and found some amazing coastal cliffs and a lighthouse.

The Lake District

2010-07-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

After relaxing at the Inn, we headed north for the Lake District. The great thing about renting a car was that we could stop anywhere we wanted! We spent the day walking through the woods, visiting a castle, and stopping at Lake Windermere.

The Gardens at Siezrgh Castle

Siezrgh Castle

Cow in the Road

Lancaster Cathedral

Hiking through beautiful country

Lake Windermere- we showed up to late for a boat, but it was still beautiful

The Inn at Whitewell

2010-07-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

On day 2, we hastily packed up and hit the road. The B&B we chose for our anniversary is situated in the Forest of Bowland (near the Lake District). We stayed here for 1 night and could not have asked for a more beautiful setting to celebrate 3 wonderful years of wedded bliss.

Ben driving on the left side... terrifying!

The Inn at Whitewell

Some pics of the pasture and from our room.

We finished our evening with a walk and a beautiful sunset.

There was no better way to celebrate our marriage and we were so blessed to stay at this amazing inn, even for just one evening.

The Long Journey Home

2010-07-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

It has certainly been a long time since I posted and a lot has happened in our lives recently!
- Ben graduated with his Masters Degree in Special Education... he now insists that I call him "Master Knighten" ("Master Husband" was not well received)
- I graduated with my Bachelors degree in Special Education! Graduated with honors!
- We are both beginning new jobs in the next couple weeks. Ben will be working at Sierra High School with students who have intellectual disabilities. I will be working at Abrams Elementary, also with students who have intellectual disabilities. We are both very excited and nervous about our new jobs!
- We are buying a new car (out of necessity) and will be purchasing a Honda Fit! Depending on what the mechanic says, we may also be replacing our other car : (
- Oliver stayed with the Texas grandparents for 2+ weeks while Ben and I took a 15 day journey to the United Kingdom!

Now that you are all caught up on life I will show you the good stuff. Our trip was amazing! I am amazed that each time I travel like this, I learn so much about myself and am always able to find my way back "home."

I am going to post our trip in a series of posts so that I can get everything in without making your eyes glaze over ; )

We started our trip by driving to Texas where we would be leaving Oliver. It is always good to see Ben's family and we enjoyed our short time there.

Next, we drove to Houston and stayed with Ben's brother for 1 night before boarding an overnight flight to Manchester, UK.

Upon arrival in the UK, we found out that our rental car had been reserved and paid for in Manchester, New Hampshire rather than Manchester, UK... we were not happy and it seemed that no one was able to help us. We ended up renting a new car the next day and paid for both rental cars because of Hotwire's unwillingness to help : (

Our first night, we stayed at the Eazy Sleep in Manchester... little did we know that the Eazy Sleep was in the center of GayVillage Manchester!

We were a little surprised and definitely heard some strange things in the dead of night. However, we persevered; even though Ben contracted some sort of mild skin rash on his back from the bedding. YUCK!

Needless to say, we were not impressed with Manchester and were more than happy to pick up our new rental car and head to the countryside.

Here are just a few pics from our time in Manchester.

2010-05-19T06:40:00.000-07:00

In truth, I am not even sure how to begin this post or what to write. I want to begin by saying that I am broken. My heart is broken and if I truly let the pain sit, I would not get out of bed in the morning.

I have thought of putting Half the Sky down or taking it back to the library because that would be easier than reading the stories and seeing the pain that exists in the world. I do believe though, that in order to truly serve you must be aware of the world that you are serving.

"Half the Sky" discusses the plight of women all over the world, because let's be honest... the biggest problem for women is not unequal pay or sexual harassment, it is the use of rape as a weapon, the prevalence of sex slaves, and it is the ignorance of the world to truly make a difference.

According to the Girl Effect, when a girl has a job and makes an income she brings 90% back to her family; whereas when a man has a job and an income (in many parts of the world) he brings back only 30-40% to the family. To me, this says that the world when change when women take action, are supported, and can pursue an income the world will change.

Unfortunately, the world is not tidy and it is not possible to say that women are oppressed because men oppress them. In many countries, it is common for women to be beat when they are "disobedient" and the women support this practice. Reading this book makes me thankful for my mother-in-law who never encouraged Ben to burn me with acid or beat me when I didn't wash the dishes. "This is not a tidy world of tyrannical men and victimized women, but a messier realm of oppressive social customs adhered to by men and women alike" (69 Kristof & WuDunn).

Perhaps the most poignant aspect of this book, is the inclusion of personal stories by women who have been raped, burned by acid, and oppressed in unimaginable ways. These women are the true pioneers of the movement and these women will be the ones to change things in the developing world. A final quote that I want to share is one the is brief but speaks volumes to what women experience in many parts of the world. "It has probably become more dangerous to be a woman than a soldier in an armed conflict" (Major General Patrick Cammaert, 84 Kristof & WuDunn).

I have this t-shirt...

2010-04-20T15:59:00.001-07:00

and it says "Everyone has a story"

I like thinking about people's stories because it makes me pull my head out of my @$$ and consider the perspective of others based on their starting point.

"I am not without scars, but I am softer, gentler, slower to judge, more spontaneous, more resourceful, more willing to see the story behind the behaviorm more open to receive help from others, and more zealous to see how God really wants to use my adversity to make me of maximum service to him" ~Laaser

Everyone has a story... what's yours?

Eternal Rest

2010-03-22T05:29:00.000-07:00

Early this morning my grandmother passed from this world to the next. It was difficult to watch her struggle between our world and eternity, but I know that she longed to go.

My grandmother taught me about selflessness and sacrifice. We had an unconventional relationship, because I cared for her physical needs more than she cared for mine. However, I am thankful for each moment that I was able to spend with her and I am thankful that I shunned my understanding of grandparents to care for and love on my grandmother. I will miss her dearly, but I am at peace knowing that she is with the Father after years of longing for his rest.

"In peace and joy I now depart according to God's will; my heart and mind are comforted, calm, and still; as God has promised me, death has become my sleep."
~ Martin Luther

Love After Love

2010-03-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

Ben's Music

2010-03-10T17:18:00.001-08:00

Check out songs that Ben has written at www.myspace.com/benknightenmusic.

Wonderful Unpredicatbility

2010-03-09T18:01:00.001-08:00

For the record, I watch too much "Friends" (this is my disclaimer)

When I was watching an episode I heard the quote from Phoebe

"One of the great things about life is its wondrous unpredictability"

The other night when i couldn't sleep I contemplated this quote

I caught myself wondering if this is true for the unfortunate events in life

If something awful was going to happen, would I want to know?

As I considered this, I realized that I would never want to know what my life will bring, because I believe that especially in the horrible and difficult aspects of life, God is present

He showed up to me the other night as I considered many scary decisions that lay ahead of us... God is in attending and I only need to let him in order to see the beauty of his plan

Must Read with Tissues Handy

2010-02-09T18:45:00.000-08:00

I came across this from another blog that I follow and for moments I was speechless. This beautiful woman's moments lend truth to the fears of my heart and the calling of my soul. To love hard. To love deep. To love strong. To love fully.

Read this. Let it sink in. Let your world be rocked by the triumph of another.

The Journey Begins

2010-01-31T16:07:00.000-08:00

We have finally found a church.

After almost a year of searching for a place where we could see God's work connect in community with others, we have found the United Congregational Church of Manitou Springs. This church is in a beautiful chapel built in 1880, and while we are the youngest adults there we feel like a true connection is building.

So, happy to report that we have found a church and on Sunday's we are excited to get up and go to church. Life is good!

Holiday Pictures

2010-01-18T15:46:00.001-08:00

2010-01-04T15:52:00.000-08:00

I just read that the average American uses 15 GALLONS of water per day!

How much do I waste?

How much do I use in the shower? Flushing the toilet? Washing gross things down the kitchen sink? Drink?

I cannot fathom what 15 gallons would mean to someone in Africa, India, South America... Where do I waste? How do I stop? How will the world ever change without little movements?

Birth Place

2009-12-21T13:39:00.000-08:00

I was reflecting recently on the significance of where we are born.

Had I been born at 02°31'S 29°52'E- I may have been murdered in one of the world's great tragedies- the Rwandan Genocide.

Had I been born at 28°37'N 77°13'E- I may be living in an Indian slum, wondering whether I will get another drink.

Obviously where we are born says a lot about the path our lives will take. I have been thinking of where another baby was born, and the path that his life took. I think that Jesus was the ultimate defier of latitude and longitude. He travelled far away from his "home" to change the course of the world.

I know my impact will be nothing like Jesus'; however, if I could just defy my coordinates and change my future than perhaps the course of history would change and a person who was born at less advantageous coordinates would have a chance.

2009-12-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice,
you have chosen the side of the oppressor."
~ Bishop Desmond Tutu

Thanksgiving Reflection

2009-11-26T07:26:00.001-08:00

When Ben and I pray together, we always acknowledge how blessed we are with love and resources; whenever we acknowledge this, we also entreat God to sow us ways to bless others with our resources. Since Ben began working at Sierra and we moved down south, we have been able to truly see how God works in the areas of greatest need. I feel incredibly blessed that God has shown us to people who need his intercession.

How blessed we are! Each day I thank God for his presence in my life and his constant refining of my heart. Today I am thankful for my husband, he is the most amazing man I have ever known and his heart for helping others is infectious, I am thankful for my family who are always supportive and present in our lives, finally, I am thankful for our friends who have been good about lifting our spirits and supporting us.

I hope that everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving and that the spirit of thankfulness continues from this day until Thanksgiving 2010. Love you all!

Inadequate Gifts

2009-11-04T14:27:00.001-08:00

As I continue to read There Is No Me Without You, I find myself encountering my own inadquacies.

Greene offers a story of when a man requested rocket balloons and she believed that he was going to give them to his own grandchildren so she gave him only one balloon, judging that he was taking it to children who were well loved. She says, "Later that day I learned that Haj, in his home village, ran a hole-in-the-wall orphanage like Haregewoin's. He was a surrogate grandfather to about 80 older boys. I gave that nice man one balloon." (160, Greene)

How many times have I judged a persons worthiness? Probably each and everyday. And I am sure that I have given a thousand angels just one balloon because I thought I knew better what they actually deserved. This was a conviction for me today. This was God saying, "Who are you to judge what people deserve?" and here I am knowing that I am no one, yet unsure how to break my own chains, the chains of my own selfishness.

~there is no me without you~

2009-11-02T06:57:00.001-08:00

I have recently begun reading the book There is No Me Without You by Melissa Fay Greene and I wanted to share a few quotes that really struck a chord with me. "America wrestles with the obesity crisis to such an extent that Americans forget there are worse weight problems on earth than obesity." I believe this quote needs no explanation.

The other quote has to do with a country's reason for opening adoption of its children to foreign countries. "'Adoption is a last resort,' I would be told in November 2005 by Haddush Halefom, head of the Children's Commission under Ethiopia's Ministry of Labor, the arbiter of intercountry adoptions, 'Historically, close kinship ties in our country meant that there were very few orphans: orphaned children were raised in their extended families. The HIV/ AIDS pandemic has destroyed so many of our families that the possibility no longer exists to absorb all our Ethiopian orphans.'"

I know that this book will take me a while to read, because it is always harder to hear the truth about the world than to ignore reality.

Sseko Fashion

2009-10-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am not a fashionable person and I do not like to be cold, but for these shoes I am both fashionable and cold. I love when I can do something I love (shop) and support a good cause (women in Africa attending school and changing their communities).

So check out the shoes at Sseko Designs. And watch this video, I have heard from may people that nations cannot change unless women instigate the change.

Some New Shoes

2009-10-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

For all of you in the blog-o-sphere who love cute shoes, check out this website and support a good cause... I am currently begging my husband to let me buy some! These are great because the straps are interchangable so you can buy a lot of different colors and mix-and-match. When my husband finally cracks under the pressure and lets me get some I will post pictures of these beautiful shows on my feet!

Away

2009-09-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

Summer is over and school and work have begun for both of us; this means that for 4 nights a week (Monday-Thursday) we see each other from 7pm until 8:30 (or whenever we decide to go to bed). Ben and I are not the kind of husband and wife who can be away from each other for long periods of time so this season is particularly difficult. It seems like there is a reason for these months (beyond the ever-distant degree) and I know that as a couple we are stronger for these times. Hopefully I will be able to wrangle us a weekend away from the city so that we can enjoy so time devoted just to each other.

In the meantime, look forward to hearing nothing but whining and complaining from this blog : ) Hopefully, God will revel something to use as we look for ways to bless others even while we are busy.

By the way, I am looking for a new job that is part-time and I could use some divine intervention in finding something to work with my schedule.

2009-09-12T07:43:00.000-07:00

I am thinking, very sincerely, today about the gift of life. In the wake of several deaths I find myself questioning my own ability to live life well and to live life in the grasp of the King. Considering 9/11 I am amazed at how easily people forget the death of others because it is too painful or too vulnerable. One of my favorite images from the bible is the image of Jesus weeping. We live in a broken world, and Jesus wept, we refused to see our brokenness, and Jesus wept. What a poignant image that the son of the King would weep for use, so naive that we cannot even see the fate we have laid out for ourselves. Today, I will weep for the losses of so many, and for the life that comes through knowing death.

Labor Day

2009-09-07T10:50:00.000-07:00

Just so ya' know

2009-08-25T19:27:00.001-07:00

If anyone in Colorado Springs needs pictures there is a couple (knew them from a bible study) that are raising money for their Ethiopia Adoption and are doing this by taking pictures for a donation. Becky is a photographer and samples of her work can be seen here. So, if you need pictures taken any time soon, give her a call and help bring another child into a home.

2009-08-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

I try to impart my "wisdom" into the life of my students by sharing stories and relating to their lives. Some days though, I feel so far removed from their realities, I did not grow up where they are growing up, my parents are still married, and I have every cognitive ability to be successful. How can I expect them to be any different than what they are when their lives are so in limbo? Uncertain?

Father, Give me the strength to love these children with the same fervor that you have loved your children, let it be an imperfect love but nevertheless, a love that is growing and changing. Open their ears to what I have to say and open my heart so that they can teach me.

Service

2009-07-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

My husband is amazing! This month, he will be teaching me a great deal about selfless service.

Sunday night, as we drove home from a day with friends in Boulder, Ben informs me that for the next month he will be cooking every night, doing all of the dishes, and planning the meals... I like to brag on my husband because he truly has been given an incredible servants heart, but this just blew me away. I am by no means an amazing cook or a willing homemaker and I am certainly not overwhelmed by life since all I am doing is spending one day a week with the midwife.

I asked my sweetest husband why he is doing this and he responds that it is because he loves me and he wants to be a better husband (I did not think he could be any better?? I was wrong). If before the month is up, my husband grows weary and needs to take a break, I will gladly step in, but until that time I am learning to relinquish control, and enjoy being served by a man who truly understands what my heart desires and how I best feel loved.

I will never be an incredible homemaker, but for now I will learn what it means for me to be a wife, it is to be served willingly by my husband and to in turn serve him willingly and with joy.

The Covenant

2009-07-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

"To be in covenant with God then meant this: I had been chosen for the privileged responsibility of participating in on of God's many projects to bring order to the chaos on the earth, and more specifically, I was called to do this in the life of one... child." - Josh Bottomly - From Ashes to Africa

When I read this quote, I understand that the longings of our hearts are a gift and mystery from God. I acknowledge and occasionally long for a life of ease, without the tugging in my heart to adopt and to live abroad and to change the world. We have been called to bring order from this world filled with chaos in the lives of children who have otherwise known nothing but sorrow and defeat. If I am to bring heaven down to earth than I will need to follow the deepest and most mysterious longings of my heart.

Career Change

2009-07-07T07:19:00.000-07:00

During the month of July, I am hoping to spend some time with a midwife here in Colorado. After my experiencing the birth of a friends daughter, I have felt like I might be meant to bring babies into the world. Before I being a program I am going to attend about 10 births so that I can get a very good idea of what births are like and if I really want to be a midwife. I am looking forward to sharing all of my adventures here!

Check It Out

2009-07-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

Oliver loves the new house!
Another view of the living room and dining room
Here is a view of our living room, we are so excited to have our couches back!

2009-06-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

Christianity has always insisted that the cross we bear preceeds the crown we wear. To be a Christian one must take up his cross with all its difficulties and agonizing and tension-packed content, and carry it until that very cross leaves its mark upon us and redeems us to that more excellent way which comes through suffering.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the good news you will find true life. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul?

Mark 8: 34-37

I carry this verse in my wallet to remind me of my true purpose, so that when I become blinded by my selfish ambition, I can be reminded that all things I do are from my soul and the Lover of my soul.

Beginning Again

2009-06-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

Last Friday Ben, Oliver, and I finally moved into our new house!

We are mostly unpacked and moved in but definitely still have some work to do. This is a time that I am thankful we live simply. We were beyond blessed to have so many friends help s move, we had all of our stuff in the house before 1:30.

House stats:
*about 1,500 sq feet
*2 bedrooms and a bonus room
*3 stories (1st story is a garage)
*townhome
*west-end of Colorado Springs
*little backyard for the pup!

We feel amazingly blessed and are trying to figure out how God wants us to use this house to bless other people. I will post pictures when we are all unpacked and the empty boxes are not littering the living room!

In other news:
>summer is finally here!
>Ben is doing his internship (which means he will graduate soon!)
>going to Texas at the end of the summer
>hoping to blog about "From Ashes to Africa," because I didn't over spring break
>missing my students a little (only a little)

Life Givers

2009-05-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today, I was privileged to witness the birth of a friends daughter, she was amazing to fight through 12 hours of active labor, at home, without drugs! She was a rockstar!

Witnessing this amazing experience gives new meaning to the words "life giver" and the recognition of God's presence on this earth. I have not, in my life, been a part of something as amazing as the birth of a person. I was thankful to be part of the birthing team and am thankful that God blessed me with a passion for and understanding of medical things and home birth.

Barbi, You were amazing! I am so proud of you and I knew you could do it! Thank you for blessing me with this experience and for allowing me to be part of your life and the life of your little girl.

Unneccessary Families

2009-05-08T17:27:00.001-07:00

I wish that adoption was not necessary, I wish that the plight of the fatherless did not weigh so heavily on my heart. What would the world be if no foster or adoptive families were needed? What if parents could care for and love their children despite their circumstances? What if none of my students were living without parents and struggling with their pasts? What if families came along side other struggling families in all countries to allow them to love and raise their children?

I suppose a world like this, would be a world before the fall of man. I suppose that part of the reality is that men are unable (unwilling) to be fathers and women struggle as mothers, the temptations of this world are greater than the temptation to raise and love and grow our children. If the reality is that there are children who do not have parents, if the reality is that mothers and fathers die of aids and genocide and drugs, than we will adopt. We will take the fatherless and provide the most love we can, all the while knowing that love cannot erase the past. I weep for the children whose parents do not love them, whose communities have abandoned them and who hold little hope in themselves or their future.

I know that I talk about adoption and orphans a lot, but that is because I believe, with the every depth of my being, that it is our call as Christ Followers to take up these children and love them and raise them as children of Christ and changers in this world. I will never stop loving, I will never stop grieving, and I will never forget the plight of the fatherless.

Keeps me thinking

2009-05-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

"I believe in adoption. And I believe in adoption because family is powerful.

It’s the way God made us. And every child deserves one." - Jody R. Landers

I love when fellow bloggers continue to challenge and inspire me, urging me forward to what my heart knows is good and right and true. Thanks Jody for your words and sharing the adventures of your family.

Beginnings

2009-05-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

I heard a babies heartbeat for the first time Friday night. What an amazing experience? How beautiful to hear the sound of a heartbeat before it becomes corrupted by the world, before sin and reality steps in. This beauty and reality was given by God, he gave me that beautiful gift. Nathan and Barbi, you will be wonderful parents! Congratulations and thanks for letting me be a part of this journey.

2009-04-27T16:52:00.000-07:00

Structural engineer looks at the house Friday at 12:30... just in case you would like to ask God for help on our behalf.

I am also taking an overnight trip with the kids Thursday, pray for my patience and joy as I spend more time than I am used to with my students.

Inspection Issues

2009-04-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

We had the inspection yesterday for the house and there were definitely some issues that we will get a second opinion on.

The foundation is not entirely sound from what the inspector can see and so we are having a structural engineer come in to assess what would need to be done if anything to right the issues. Once we get that information we will be able to make an informed decision about the property. There are certainly some issues we are willing to work with but we will eventually meet a limit... financially and emotionally.

Ben and I both feel that this is the house that God has set aside for us but, we know that he will reveal to us our limit before we reach it. Thanks for thinking of us and being with us on this very long journey as we look for a place to call home.

Growing Up

2009-04-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

Well, Ben and I think we found a house! (trying not to get too excited)

This is the house that we put an offer on February 7, the house that we keep hearing, "2 more weeks, 3 more weeks," the house that we found out we could have just as we were about to buy a house that was a little out of our comfort level, this is THE house that we have been waiting for.

I will now proceed to tell you the "boring" details about our new house! (hopefully)
-1000 sq feet
-3 bedrooms
-1 bathroom
-newly remolded kitchen and bath
-BIG living room (for this size house)
-beautiful front and back yard
-near downtown
-near trails and open spaces

We love this house for many reasons, one of them being that it defies this new "American" idea that the bigger the house the better. Ben and I want very much to raise our children for something greater than possessions and materialism, having a really small house will help with that. We are very excited for things to move forward and are simply praying that nothing gets in the way of our moving into this house. Ben and I love the flexibility this home will provide us (cheaper than our rent was), we are also ready to feel settled and like we have a stake in where we are living.

*Most exciting dreams for the new house
1. having a garden
2. starting our diverse and beautiful family
3. having a yard for Oliver
4. renovating
5. Ben's "man cave" in the 200 sq ft. basement (j/k)

Looking forward to sharing pictures and stories from our new home!

Still Searching

2009-04-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, Ben and I are still looking for a house. I think, that during this time, I have learned more about patience than in each day of teaching. It is difficult when we are searching for something that we are not able to find. That is how I feel with Christianity, not God, but Christianity; I feel like I am always searching for something that isn't there, always looking for a church and place where I know I belong. We are beginning the search for a new church and I know that this will be as difficult, if not more so, than a new house.

Right now, life is so unsettled but I know that even in this, we are learning more about ourselves and the plan that God holds in this life for us.

2009-03-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Geography and proximity are not justifications for indifference.
-Jody Landers

Kind of blows the whole idea that "because I was born in America I deserve all of these things" out of the water.

Spring Break!

2009-03-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Over spring break I have several goals for myself... I hope I am not being too lofty by setting them in blog writing:
Goal #1- Spend uninterrupted time driving to Texas with my amazing, albeit, exhausted husband
Goal #2- Write 2 term papers, take a midterm exam, write lesson plans, and get caught up on all undergrad work (not likely to be successful here, but its worth a shot)
Goal #3- Not think about my students
Goal #4- Blog about this book, From Ashes to Africa, but Josh and Amy Bottomly.

"We don't choose the books we want to read, instead the books choose us. The question then becomes whether we will respect the book enough to listen to the secrets that it wants to whisper to us." ~Josh Bottomly

This book choose me, God has always placed upon my heart a desire to help the orphans of third world countries and the orphans of our own countries. Daily I meditate on the plight of the Fatherless and the Motherless all over the world and it breaks me.

I am broken by the injustice of poverty in children's lives.

I am broken by child labor.

I am broken by child soldiers.

I am broken because I know that I cannot sit by ignorantly while God's heart breaks for these same things.

How will I act? Will we adopt children from Africa? Most likely. Will we send funds? Definitely. But what will we do that is out of the ordinary? What will we do that pushes the limits and really says, "This is GOD's will and GOD's work and no one- no one is going to stop it!"?

How will we change the world?

Our African Dream

2009-03-05T15:57:00.000-08:00

It is with a heavy heart but a peaceful soul that we are not going to Africa this summer. When we heard that plans were falling through, there was a sense of relief and rightness in both of our hearts. God is teaching us more about being missional in our community and seeking God's guidance even in our plans to further his kingdom. I will continue to post about our heart and feelings for Africa but right now... homework.

2009-03-02T20:05:00.001-08:00

I have recently been reading "From Ashes to Africa" by Josh and Amy Bottomly and I am so anxious to share my heart and thoughts with everyone. For anyone who knows me, you know how strongly I feel about adoption and how passionately I am pursuing the fatherless children with my heart. So much of what I feel about adoption and the perception has been so revealed to me in this book. I cannot wait to share all of the great quotes and my thoughts about the quotes...

I know you are on the edge of your seats but you will just have to wait until I turn the last page...

Without Borders

2009-03-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Got this quote from another blogger and I love it... I want to live it...

“We are the rich of the rich. With that wealth comes a responsibility to give. The sooner we view the world as God does, without borders, we’ll be appalled at what people in this world go without. God provides more than enough resources for everyone. We’ve just got to do a better job of sharing.”

Schaun Colin

The Lesser Homes of Colorado Springs

2009-02-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

I was considering that in light of the fact that we are still living my parents and have an offer on one house for 3 weeks, I would share some of our more...memorable experiences with all of my faithful blog readers.

Our top 5 worst homes:
1. The home with the Taliban caves littering the basement... seriously, this basement had more nooks and crannies than we knew possible. I think at some point we walked underneath the neighbors home. Less than $85,000

2. The house with the rat feces all over the basement floor and the "conservatory" off the back of the basement. Perhaps the rats entered the basement through some sort of hole in the conservatory. $99,000

3. The home in Old Colorado City that you needed several clean breaths of air in order to view... seriously, who allows the cats just urinate everywhere and never clean it up. $119,000

4. Our first love... from the outside at least. Beautiful 2 story Victorian that was a feral cat den and where upon walking into the kitchen, it was also possible to view the basement. $62,000

5. Townhome with ceiling from upstairs on the floor, all carpet gone and a sneaking suspicion of mold.

We hope that you enjoyed your tour of the worst homes in Colorado Springs, visit us again for the house that we actually buy (trust us, much better than all of these)

Hope for Africa

2009-02-13T06:59:00.001-08:00

Plans for our trip to Africa in June are falling into place and I can completely see that this is where God intended for us to be in June. We have numerous fundraisers coming up for local folks and if you want more information on those just let me know.

For those of you who do not know, part of the reason that Ben and I fell in love is because we realized that God had placed the continent of Africa on each of our hearts before we had even met. What a gift it would be for us to take this trip together. Please visit our trip blog here to find out more info about where we are going and what we are doing. I will continue to post here about what God is doing in our hearts and where we know he means for us to be.

Moving

2009-02-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

We moved today, into my parents house.

We are living here in the interim while we keep looking for a house and saving some money. I realized as we carried everything down 3 flights of stairs today, that in nearly 2 years of marriage we have accumulated a lot of stuff. Not necessarily junk or stuff we don't use but just stuff.

How much of our lives are consumed by junk? This short time in my old bedroom will certainly teach us to be thankful for space but also for the things that we need and do not need in our lives.

Our realtor mentioned that we should go as high as we are approved to go with the lender in our price range (we are looking about $80k below our approval) but why? Why do we need as $200k home when really our lives are not the house we live in, or the things that we own but the life that we lead and the love that we give. The offer we have out now is for a 1008 sq. ft. house (our apartment was 775) and I am excited, not because we will have so much more room but because we will have a place to call our own. We will have a place where I can paint the walls weird colors and have my children in the bedroom. We will have a place to love each other, grow a family, and work for our future. The dream is that after this house we will live in Africa. This is our first house and perhaps our only house.

I am excited to create memories in a place where other families have done the same. I am excited to make something our own and accept and love its imperfections. I am excited to make a stance against the materialism of America by not buying the dream house but buying a characteristic house, a house that we can call our own.

Bummed

2009-01-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

We did not get the house and we are pretty bummed... it is hard to play ball when you are bumping right up against the maximum. Ben says there is another house... I say, I wanted that one.

There is a plan and somehow we will find a home for all 3 of us.

Keeping it in

2009-01-25T06:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we put an offer on a house...
Trying not to get too excited...
Since we may not get it...
Obviously, since I am blogging about it and losing sleep about it, I am getting too excited.
Lord help us!

300 Voices- Providing Water for Africa

2009-01-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

I copied this post from jodyrlanders.com- we are joining in this effort because we know that it is good. We can change things in this world when we join together as a group of people who believe the world can be better then it is. Join us in this cause- make the difference in a village of people who desperately need a cup of water. Being Jesus in this world by giving people clean water.

Washing the feet of African people by giving them clean water for a life time.

“Never underestimate the ability of a small group of committed individuals to change the world; indeed they’re the only ones who ever have.” (Margaret Mead)

OK, here we go.

Sometime in December, I did some rough math. I was all excited because I thought I was onto something. I wondered, “So if we raise $60,000 every year at Water For Christmas, how many years would it take us to give Liberia clean water?” I furiously typed numbers into the calculator. Hit the equal button….

300 years.

Hmmm.

That’s a little discouraging.

But it haunted me. And I couldn’t shake it.

We have to use this. This is too important.

I might be busy in 300 years. And more importantly, the thirsty cannot wait that long.

Wrestled with it. Heard from so many of you that said, “Now what?”

And settled that we simply will kick it up a notch…or 300.

We will expand our borders, involve more people…300 times.

And then it won’t take 300 years, we can do it in one year.

So here’s the plan. Stay with me.

We need 300 people.

300 people to make a committment to 300 Voices…Water for all Seasons. This will be a commitment of $20/month. (that’s $5 a week, $240 for the whole year). WFC fund will stay open all year. We get 300 people to commit to $20 a month for 2009 and that’s an additional $72,000.(Did you get that? For your $20 a month, combined with 299 others and their $20 a month that is $72,000 in 2009. That’s 15 wells!) That’s a lot of money. For little sacrifice personally. (as always, 100% of money goes to charity: water. They use 100% to drill fresh water wells and clean water solutions).

But beyond that the idea is to keep water on the hearts and minds of a 300 person team. For where our treasure is, there will our hearts be. So we give all year. We pray. We dream. We plan. And then in November 2009, we kick off Water For Christmas with a team of 300. (Now, you are not committing to anything as far as next years campaign goes…you don’t have to do anything. But I think you will want to. But there will be no obligation to be involved in Water For Christmas 2009).

This is how it will work:

water4christmas.com is being developed. And will be ready for launch later in the year.

But for now, go here to sign up. (Kari has been working extremely hard to get this ready. Many, many thanks.) Give us your name and location. We will start of list of people around the country who are committing to Water. (you can do your donations with $5 weekly, or $20 a month, or a $240 donation for the whole year–whatever is best for your budgets). We will not bombard with emails–but if you want monthly or weekly reminders to donate we will do that. If you don’t do online giving, and would like to mail in checks, you can still do that by making checks payable to Charity Global with Water For Christmas in the memo line. (mailed to 150 Varick St. 5th Floor New York, NY 10013.) I will even send you a set of 12 envelopes if you want to do a monthly $20 donation that way.

We will have a counter showing how close we are to getting 300 people.

There’s a new blog badge for the 300 Voices…use it if you want.

Anyone can join us. Talk about it. Blog about it. I know many of us who participated in WFC 2008 were having a hard time shaking it. A hard time letting it go. So this is for you. But even if you were not a part of WFC at all but would like Water to be one of the things you give to in 2009, you can still join us now.

At this point, all it means is a $20/month commitment. The giving is just to force a us to put action behind our causes. And provide clean water for thousands in the process. And then ideally in November 2009, we have people whose treasure has followed their heart and they are ready to go. We reach 300 times more people with awareness about clean water. The money is multiplied. And clean water will erupt from the dirt of Africa’s floor.

We will be one voice. 300 strong. For clean water. For life.

By signing up you are simply saying, “Water matters.” And we believe that enough to give $20 of my treasure each month. It’s that simple.

I want to make it clear that this is merely part of who we are. It’s simply part of loving people the way Jesus taught us to. We cannot love thirsty people without giving them water to drink.

I wouldn’t do this if I wasn’t confident in you guys. I’ve talked to you on the email, on the blogs, in the churches, at the schools. I’ve heard the stories of others that I don’t know. And I just believe there is a force here. A force we can combine and channel. And use to make big impact.

I’m so excited to partner, to team up. 300 times.

Now there will be resources available and developed throughout the year to help us all at WFC time. But right now, I want to see if we can build a team of 300. Simply 300 people willing to give to Water throughout the year. $20 a month.

So. You want in?

Go. Sign up. We’ll add your name to the growing list in the sidebar. (we have to input them manually so it may take a couple hours)

(There will be continued updates about all the WFC wells throughout the year. It looks like I may personally be on the ground in Liberia to report back to you about how the Water money is changing and saving lives. And clarify further why we can’t stop. Why we must keep it fresh on our hearts and minds. Even if it’s only $20/month. Times 300. )

(photo taken by charity: water staff in Liberia.)

2009-01-23T06:04:00.000-08:00

And clean water will erupt from the dirt of Africa's floors.

Someday

2009-01-20T16:42:00.001-08:00

I will tell my children- I will tell them that I was alive the day that the first black man became President.

I will remember this day for the rest of my life... we have come a long way and this day is one for the history books. I was trying to explain to my students today how amazing it is that they get to be alive for this event, for this moment, for this day in history.

I am honored to be a part of something so much larger than myself... I want to carry this legacy for the future... I want to remember this day as one of great victory for the human race... for the cause of Christ

2009-01-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

This afternoon my husband attempted to convince me that Starbucks should come out of our tithe... I love my husband more than words!

2009-01-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

Day two with kids and I have already broken my resolution... trying again... maybe next week God will bestow some patience upon me... maybe

2009-01-08T20:15:00.001-08:00

Today was my (Sarah's) first day back with kids... I remember the reasons that I love these kids and the reasons that they drive me crazy!!

One of my New Year's resolutions is to be more patient with my students : ) we will see what happens with that...

I am truly grateful, even on the hard days, for the amazing kids that God has placed in my life and for the ability that he has given me to go back each day, even when things are hard. This year, a lot is happening for us, but when it comes down to the day-to-day, things are very much the same and we are both thankful for that.

Updates: We are working on buying house (no time like the present)
Ben got a promotion, he is now supervising 5 people
I got a raise
We are both starting school back up on the 20th- please pray for energy!
GOING TO AFRICA!!!!!!
Growing our family (wink) : )
Training Oliver

I think that is it for us! Another update next month when I have the motivation to blog again... if only our lives were more interesting... hmmmm

2009-01-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

No religion in the world that teaches anything contrary to love and tolerance.

-Unknown Mauritian Citizen

Are we really all so different?

Christmas 2008

2008-12-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

Ben and Grandpa had fun with the glasses

Hanging with the family

At the Havana Club with Jeff

Christmas with the Bensons

The puzzle that haunted our sleep

Our 3rd Christmas

Christmas with the Knightens

Jeff and Sarah at the Havana Club-- good music and no dancing

We hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and a blessed New Year!

This is Christmas

2008-12-24T08:57:00.001-08:00

Today Ben and I celebrated our Christmas! We each got wonderful gifts and enjoyed our time together.

We have also been thinking a great deal this season about the blessings in our lives and the essentials that are missing from other peoples lives. This coming summer we will be going to Africa, we are going with the knowledge that no two people can change the world, but that with a little bit of love and relationship we can inspire and be inspired. Christmas is not about gifts (we all know that) but it also not really about Christ, if it was things would look very different. I love this holiday because of family and giving and joy but in truth, and in my heart we should be embracing the spirit of Jesus sacrifice all year around and giving in relationship and love throughout each moment. Perhaps in Africa, this summer, Ben and I will be able to bring a little bit of heaven to earth by serving and kneeling before others.

We hope that this year is beautiful and blessed for each of you. We hope that you find your niche and the grace of God gives you grace for others. Have a Merry Christmas and carry the spirit of this day with you the whole year round.

Dreaming of Africa

2008-12-18T14:58:00.000-08:00

Things for Africa finally seem to be falling in place and while the details are huge and the cost is more then I can fathom, we are ready to go and have faith in the goodness of people.

Uganda June 2009 (?) Tree of Life Ministries.

We are hoping to have a chance to work in 3 schools started by 9 pastors and travel to some of the islands in Lake Victoria. We are thinking that we might hold some womens retreats and mens clinics to build relationship and inspire change.

Overwhelmed is the only emotion that I feel surrounding Africa. Overwhelmed at cost, with joy, and ideas.

I know that the world will not change, Africa will not change, unless people within that nation begin to act and make the changes. I want to help raise up a generation of Africans who want to end corruption and stop the spread of disease and protect the rights of women and children.

I will not change Africa, but perhaps with the help of others, Africa will understand that there is a way to be good again.

So pray, hope, pass good feelings our way for Africa and this journey. Keep your eyes open here for more info on fundraisers and our trip needs.

2008-12-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

Listen, another quality moral message from Brittany Spears!
-Ben

The Shack

2008-11-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

I am reading "The Shack" right now and I am so amazed. I think that these are thoughts that a number of people are considering when it comes to modern Christianity. The Trinity is depicted as three separate individuals; God, or Papa, as a large black woman which I must say I like a great deal more then an old white man, The Holy Spirit, or Saraya (wind) as a woman who is ethereal in nature... a mystery much like "religion"ought to be, and finally Jesus as well Jesus, a Arabic carpenter who is not in the least bit attractive. Since when has God been the American version of success and privileged?

To be truthful the idea of the trinity has always baffled me, but when I think about it in terms of the three existing in order to experience relationship it kind of makes sense (note: kind of). If God was just one individual then would it be possible for God to have experienced the relationship with humans? I don't know.... just struggling with questions.

I have always believed that there ought to be more mystery in faith, our Father and our faith is not meant to be understood but rather we are meant to experience God's love and our relationship with him.

Forgotten Corners

2008-11-26T06:40:00.000-08:00

In a speech by Barack Obama he mentions the "forgotten corners" of the world, since reading this line for a class I have been shaken. I am shaken because I know the truth that lies behind these words, we don't think about people who have no food or water or shelter. We do not think about babies who are eaten by rats the size of cats in their sleep or girls who sell their bodies on the street because they have no money and this is the only thing they know.

This Christmas, Ben and I are thinking about these people, I don't want it to sound like we have done nothing for ourselves or others but we are certainly thinking a little more about the forgotten coreners of our world. When asked the question, "What would you do with a million dollars?" I think that I would do something. I would change the world... because $4000 digs a well and gives a village, fresh clean water. Why shouldn't clean water be a natural human right? Why, when we know we can change something, do we stand by idly? I have been moved by this, I have been changed by people and action and the truth.

I am not convinced that empathy of this nature is a gift, I am haunted by the things that I cannot do and the affect this has on the world. Watching the news this morning, they were discussing soup kitchens and their recent overflow; one woman was seen putting her food from the kitchen into a miata and I thought, are we such a nation that we think owning a miata is a necessity so we need to get a handout from the government. We need to rethink the way that we live our lives and perhaps this "economic crisis" is a wakeup call that we have been living too luxurioualy while the world suffered. Today I turned on the water and it ran clean, with $4000 I could give a whole village that same gift.

2008-11-19T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have this deep maternal yearning for a baby but sometimes when I read the news and look at the world, I wonder if it is selfish for me to want a child of my own blood when there are so many in the world who are already without family and they have only just begun their lives.

Life as Unusual

2008-11-18T18:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I read other people's blogs, I wish that I had more to say... Ben and I seem to find that life is much the same from day to day- we are still in school, still working at the same jobs and still wanting badly to live in a new way.

Some days I worry that we are too stuck to seek a new life and change the world. We are going to start by doing something new this Christmas-

We will be buying gifts that are responsive to the needs of the world through ROSA Loves T-shirts and water4christmas gifts. Perhaps this Christmas our speech will be more in tune with the way we live our life.

So while nothing is really new, no baby news, no graduation news, no job or living news; we are just trying to do something different this Christmas.

2008-11-08T15:23:00.000-08:00

Today my Mom and I attended the Rocky Mountain Women's Film Fest...

I was impacted. It makes me wonder when we will care enough to change things. We will care about the water crisis in other countries when we turn on the tap and nothing comes out? Will we care about mass killings when the divide in our nation becomes so vast and hatred so clear? When will we decide that this world is not made up of individuals, God did not intend for the individual good. The world is made of a community of people, who while we don't see it, share a common interest in our survival and in our journey's.

A very smart woman once told me that my story was not my own... but rather a story that intersects and crosses with the stories of thousands of other people, whose stories are in-turn mingled with those of thousands and so on. The world is a web and the sooner we realize that the better for everyone. Forget profit, forget greed, someday we may have nothing left to show for our time here because we were too greedy with what God gave us.

It has been a few years since I came out of my bubble and realized that the world is so messed up. How can I be salt and and light when people think that all I care about are the current stock issues and not the true problems that plague America and the world. Today, and everyday I care. I am passionate and desirous to change the world through whatever means necessary.

All I Want for Christmas

2008-11-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

When I think of the things that I really want for Christmas, I realize that I have everything I need but most people do not. Want I really want for Christmas and for my life is to make a difference and help bring heaven to earth.

This year for Christmas I am trying to consider gifts that are responsive to the state of our world and I think this year it would be best to give some water for Christmas. Let's remember that the consumer holiday of Christmas is just that... a holiday. When the day is over we are still left with a world where millions of people do not even have clean drinking water.

Check it out.

Get involved.

Let's make this world a better place to live.

2008-10-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

I love weekends.
I love sleeping in, and watching my husband make breakfast, I love hot coffee and good book in my PJ's.
While it is not my favorite part, I do get to look back on the week and recall each day.
Weeks like this last one, I would just assume forget, but really I learned alot about each of my students.
I learned that when your home life is hell, you would rather throw things then go back to it, I learned that these kids don't trust because they have never been able to rely on any adults in their lives.
I learned that no matter how much I want to, I can only help them at school and to be frank I do not want to take any of them home with me.
My understanding of the world is so narrow, my experience is just a sliver of what the world is really made up of.
It makes me wonder at God's purpose for all of this, giving my kids hope is one thing when they are safe at school, it is another when they are at home and nothing is certain, it is another thing in their memories and childhoods.
My hope is that God meant for the world to be redeemed and so even though I cannot change the world, perhaps I can change my own heart to reflect his love into the hearts of our future. From where I sit, things look pretty dim, it is up to me to be the light.
I love these kids despite our bad days, I love them because of their sweet hearts and innocent abandon. I think they love me, even though they have made every effort not to, and I think when I come into work every Monday they trust me a little more because the week before did not phase me.
I will walk in on Monday and I WILL smile and I WILL say "good morning" because me weekend was a heck of a lot better then theirs.

Hadley Rae

2008-10-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

For 10 years now I have known a beautiful young woman named Hadley Rae.
She has impacted my life in a way that I cannot even describe... When I am with Hadley I realize how little impact my life has made but I acknowledge how much more I could do. With her bright smile and little laughs I was always able to readjust my thinking to the external. As with all people, someday Hadley will go to the Lord, that day may be soon or it may be years from now. Whenever Hadley takes her leave of this ridiculous life, I hope she knows how much she meant to me and how much I will miss her.
Knowing Hadley helped me know myself better. Hadley is the reason that I will teach Special Needs Children, she is the reason that I will adopt orphans and she is the reason that I will always remember God sacrifice for me.

Thank you Hadley for the amazing impact you had on my life, I will always remember and cherish your spirit. You changed me and I am forever thankful!

Oliver's Final Surgery... we hope

2008-10-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, Oliver had surgery to remove the plate!

He is doing really well, having a hard time getting comfortable but he should be back to normal in just a week or two. This comes as quite a relief... we never expected that our dog would have such extensive medical needs. While he is still on seizure meds, it is nice to think that we might actually be able to let him play without cringing.

2008-10-07T19:05:00.001-07:00

"If we could have stopped Rwanda?"

Tattle Tails

2008-10-07T18:54:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here, watching the debates, and irregardless of who I am going to vote for, I wish that they would stop finger pointing... I swear, it is like watching 3 year olds tell a story.

What I am looking for is not who voted for what when and how many times... I am wanting to know what these men will do to change the world! What are they going to do about education, poverty, international relations, health care, and all the other issues... stop pointing your fingers! Ridiculous!

Can I Make A Difference?

2008-10-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

I want thinking today about some of the kiddos that I work with and my heart broke!

The lives that these children have lived are so far beyond anything that I can fathom... abuse, neglect, continuing abuse, continuing neglect... I cannot fathom their lives and I cannot change them either.

I cannot hold these kids while they cry, I can't tell them that it is going to be okay because the truth is that it may not be. These children may never have the life that I want to give my children, they may never know the love of their parents or the love of themselves. Everyday when I deal with a tantrum or worse I realize that this is not a result of their "disability" but a result of their circumstances. When I hear their stories and watch their anger boil out of control I cannot understand this world that we live in.

Each time I consider their lives I also consider my own children... I sometimes feel like it would be selfish of me to have my own children when there are so many children in their world whose lives are just like the lives of these kiddos. How can I bring more lives into the world and shower my love on them when there are so many who have no love to speak of. How can I best change the lives of the kids and kids in the future?

How can I change the world? How can I love like Jesus loved when they are screaming in my face? I want to change the world... will I ever be able to do that?

Missing the Writing

2008-09-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I really enjoyed having the chance to post a lot this summer but now that school and work are back in session I am incredibly busy. When I do have a chance to post I fell my thoughts are too overwhelmed and sometimes too personal. Days like today, I am drained and have only enough left for my husband, some other days I am so inundated with homework that it seems writing in the blog is another homework assignment. So... sorry for not keeping you all up-to-date on my interesting thoughts and musings, really the only thing that I could write about is politics or baby's and one of those is too close to my heart and the other too close to other people's hearts. Se la vie! Love reading all of your blogs and hearing about your lives!

Weekend Wonderful

2008-09-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

Ben and I were able to enjoy a nice day and night away from it all. We took the dog to the kennel and did not worry about work or homework or restraints! We just enjoyed ourselves.

For dinner we went to Rock Bottom Brewery where we enjoyed some good brews and Filet Minon- an excellent treat! Then we stayed at The Inn at Palmer Divide for the night... what a wonderful chance to escape our daily life and enjoy each other without all of the excesses.

Our lives have become so full that sometimes we forget to just look at each other and appreciate th beauty of our life together. We are not quite ready to give up the weekend... maybe a mental health day on Monday?

A Quarter of a Century

2008-09-09T18:42:00.000-07:00

On Saturday Ben will turn 25 years old!

My amazing husband has come so far in his years and I love him so much for the man that he has become and the man that he is still becoming.

I love his kindness, generosity, love, and selflessness. Each day, Ben goes to work and teaches kids who have no one else to rely on in their lives. He is patient with them, and with me. I cannot believe my "luck" that I found this man and he found me.

I am the luckiest!

Happy Birthday Baby! You are the love of my life!

Defective Puppy

2008-08-28T05:31:00.000-07:00

The Oliver saga continues.... this morning when I let him out of his kennel to go to the bathroom he had his towel stuck to his leg and one of the strings had been on very tightly, probably all night!

At this point we are waiting to see if we need to take him to the vet... again.

Whatever you do, do not get a dog!

Cognitive Dissonance

2008-08-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

I live my life in American "Luxury" even though I know that there are people in the world who will die today because they do not have enough water to drink... Women will be raped and I take for granted my AMAZING husband... children are without parents as I consider the traditional way to make a family because I am afraid of the alternatives... I want to live my life in the knowledge of Christ, how can I be a better woman, how can I be more Christ like.

Getting all the info

2008-08-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you who do not know (which is most of you) I have begun a new position at the middle school... Rather then working in the classroom for children with significant support needs (physical and intellectual needs) I will be working with children who have emotional disabilities.

The fact that they have emotional disabilities means that they lack the ability to process their feelings and emotions... this makes it tough to understand when they are acting out for attention or when they are acting out because of their emotion difficulties. Today was my third day with these kids and it is not easy! I am waiting for the day where I can blog about being hit!

I love these kids, I love my lot in life, and I love that God has given me the heart and the ability to work with these kids... but on days like today I wonder how I will ever be able to go on! Now Ben and I have more stories to swap and kids to compare. Each day is a new day as I grow trust and friendship, as we grow to trust and respect one another more things will get easier... hopefully!

School's Back in Session

2008-08-14T15:04:00.001-07:00

I am back at work, which means that I do not have hours upon hours to spend doing the things that I want to do... which translates into the fact that we will be slowing down on our blog postings.

Ben and I start classes on the 25th which means that 4 nights of the week we will be away from each other... we do not do well when we are away from each other.

I had my first day with students today and the kids are certainly going to give us a run for our money. I am excited for a new year and the changes that it will bring and the things that I will learn but at the same time change can be intimidating especially for an impatient person like me. I have to give myself grace because any person would lose their patience after being asked "why" 1000 times in 30 minutes. God give me grace!

Changed for Good

2008-08-07T06:40:00.000-07:00

I might be a bleeding heart but if you ask me we need a few more of those... I know that I can never be the same again... I have been challenged by poverty... I have been taken by grace... I have been forgiven and cannot keep it to myself...

" You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be become your slave. For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20: 25-28

2008-08-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-Mark Twain